Africana55 Radio 
This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognising you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful.
Want to bookmark your favourite articles and stories to read or reference later? Start your Independent Membership today.
Already a member? Log in
At the end of a relationship, it’s normal to wonder where it all went wrong: When did this person become a stranger? How could our love story have turned into a psychological horror?
But while the breakdown of a partnership rarely happens overnight, it can begin with something as seemingly small as a sarcastic comment, relationship experts say.
A pointed dig is just one behavior that points to the underlying issue of contempt, which world-renowned relationship coach Dr. John Gottman identifies as the most destructive of the “four horsemen” predictors of an impending breakup.
Gottman’s research led him to classify contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling as the communication styles that often lead a relationship to fail, with contempt being the number one sign that a marriage is heading for divorce.
Below, we explore how contempt sneaks into a relationship and how it can be reversed with intentional efforts.
What is contempt and why is it so dangerous?
Contempt is considering someone inferior or unworthy of respect. It’s an emotion that can breed disgust, anger and a feeling of moral superiority over a partner — which is why clinical therapist Blythe Landry, who has more than 27 years of experience working with trauma and relationship dynamics, is adamant about how dangerous it can be for couples.
“Contempt is the death knell of romantic relationships,” Landry told The Independent. “It indicates extensive, built up resentments that have gone unaddressed, sometimes because the differences are so great they are not able to be adequately resolved. Over time, contempt changes the way we see our partner and can cause us to filter nearly everything they do through a negative lens, even when their behavior was not intended to hurt us.”
This is the real trouble with contempt: it affects every aspect of a relationship. Resentment over imbalanced household responsibilities or jealousy in the workplace can bleed into a casual conversation about an unrelated topic, causing unaddressed problems to pile up until the tension is overwhelming.
Couples therapist Marc Zola said that contempt often prompts a person to view a shortcoming in their partner as a character judgment or morality issue rather than a mistake or accident.
“In some ways, the expression of contempt is a function of a person's inability to manage uncertainty and instead to choose a definitive or black and white way of explaining a partner's disagreeable behavior,” Zola explained.
If these character judgments are left unchecked, the assumptions can deepen into negative feelings like resentment that make it impossible for support and trust in a relationship to grow, resulting in a downward spiral for the relationship.
How does it start?
As marriage and family therapist Jamelia Knox told The Independent, contempt in a relationship can start as easily as teasing and body language like rolling eyes or sighing.
“It can escalate to be more overtly disrespectful: name calling, mimicking behaviors and superiority where you don't see your partner as your equal, but you see yourself as better than them, or they see themselves as better than you,” Knox explained.
Licensed psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Timothy Nguyen listed off early signs of contempt as “sarcasm, crassness, sharp humor, teasing, passive-aggressive comments, demeaning comments, and minimizing remarks.” Nonverbal clues might include eye rolling, sneering and laughing whenever a partner speaks.”
Zola, who described the behavior as “criticism on steroids,” agreed on the eye rolling and also warned against “all or nothing language,” saying: “It starts based on real experiences of disappointment in the relationship; often quite ‘normal' disappointments.’”
For example, statements like, “You never do XYZ for me,” and “That’s what you always say,” treat a character judgment as an impossible personality trait to fix, rather than a symptom of a broken relationship cycle.
How can contempt be prevented?
Although the bitterness of contempt is a surefire sign of underlying issues in a relationship, Nguyen said that it doesn’t have to be an “automatic dealbreaker.” “Rather,” he said, “it is often a desperate and distorted survival mechanism within a relationship.”
The most important thing that a couple feeling negative thoughts about each other can do is go to therapy. It might seem obvious, but talking through issues with a clear third party can help foster healthy communication in order to avoid small hurts that pile up.
Knox said that preventing contempt includes “being intentional about showing appreciation to your partner, just making sure you treat them as your equal, that they are just as valuable in a relationship as you are.” She recommended using “I” statements to communicate during arguments.
“When anxiety is present, couples must learn to separate the symptom from the partner while also recognizing that anxious questioning is more about an internal struggle with safety instead of an attack on each other’s worth or the relationship’s worth,” Knox explained. “This reframe, it can help to prevent the defensive shutdown that leads to more contempt from both partners.”